


So About Those Poisonous Ankle Barbs…

by someoneplsloverobbierotten



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s04e08 Primal Perry, Gen, Milkshakes and Sundaes, Shopping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-26 21:27:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9922796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someoneplsloverobbierotten/pseuds/someoneplsloverobbierotten
Summary: The agent looks as tired as Heinz feels, so he eats his sundae for a little bit in silence, letting the agent rest. Eventually though, his curiosity gets the better of him.“So,” Heinz begins. “About those poisonous ankle barbs–”Perry immediately cuts him off by growling at him, but otherwise doesn’t move.“Oh, come on!” Heinz throws his hands in the air. “I just found out that you have poisonous ankle barbs that I never knew about, after years of knowing you, and you expect me to, to–” he flounders, gesturing wildly with his spoon, “just, what? Just forget it?”Perry grumbles and covers his closed eyes with his paws.----------After finally dealing with McCracken at the Danville Botanical Gardens, Perry decides that he's completely done and takes Doofenshmirtz to the Garden's café. Perry the Platypus has worked very hard today, and he deserves a milkshake.Heinz feels like he deserves an explanation.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I found it interesting that Perry has poisonous ankle barbs and Doof has absolutely no idea about them, considering Perry is constantly kicking him. Perry's obviously been very careful when fighting with his nemesis.

Steven doesn’t answer any of Heinz’s questions, staying silent as he drags him through the botanical gardens.

“I just, I just thought it would’ve been nice for you to meet Perry the Platypus,” Heinz lamented “of course you might already know him – again! I’m not saying all platypuses know each other or anything! But if you didn’t I think the two of you would’ve gotten along quite well! He’s a bit quiet but, hey, that’s something I guess the two of you have in com-”

Suddenly Steven stops and turns to look Heinz directly in the eye. “Steven?” Heinz asks, confused, “wha-”

Steven pulls a familiar brown fedora out from behind his back and jams it on his head. Heinz jumps, eyes wide, and points at the platypus stood before him. “Perry the Platypus-” he splutters, “you’re _Steven_!”

Perry just rolls his eyes and takes hold of Heinz’s sleeve again, dragging him across the gardens and ignoring all his questions just like before.

Heinz is so caught up in the surprise that Perry is Steven that he doesn’t notice that Perry has brought him to the Garden’s café until he’s been pulled in front a table. It’s one of those metal ones that Heinz thinks look like solid doilies. The chairs are the same, but with the addition of (interestingly patterned) cushions on the seats. The place is pretty empty right now; most people having finished their lunch hours ago and are now enjoying the greenery outside.

Perry points to one of the chairs and Heinz sits, without protest. It’s been a long day and he’s been wanting to sit down for _ages_ now. Perry hops up onto the other chair and grabs a menu, sliding the other one over to Heinz. He takes it automatically, still processing the whole Perry-is-Steven thing whilst he stretches his sore leg out underneath the table - which is small enough that he ends up resting his foot against the inner back leg of Perry’s chair.

A waitress is by their side in under a minute, asking what they would like. Perry lays his menu down on the table and points at the chocolate milkshake.

“You want cream with that, sugar?” she asks, and Perry nods. “Alrighty then.”

She writes the order down on her notepad as Perry chitters at her gratefully, then turns to Heinz.

“And for you?”

Pulled out of his daze, Heinz startles and quickly scans over the menu. “Erm– can I get a – can I get a coke, and ah– the fudge sundae, please.”

Perry raises an eyebrow at him as the waitress scribbles down his order.

Doofenshmirtz shrugs at him. “What? It’s been a long day.”

Perry cocks his head and shrugs slightly, a clear ‘fair enough’.

“Uh-huh,” the waitress confirms, “is that everything?”

“Yes, thanks,” Heinz tells her, and Perry nods.

She starts to walk away when Heinz suddenly remembers something. “Wait, sorry, wait!” he calls, and she stops, turning back to the table.

“Sorry- can we, can we also get a bag of ice?” he asks.

The waitress tilts her head at him, confused, but agrees. “Uh, sure?”

He carefully pats his knee, “I ah, twisted my knee… smelling the roses,” he explains. Perry chitters but Heinz ignores him.

“ _Oh_.” The waitress nods in understanding and leaves. The second she’s gone Perry slumps down in his seat like a starfish, his head barely visible above the table.

They only have a few minutes – in which Heinz tries to figure out of Perry is just resting or if he’s actually fallen asleep – before the waitress arrives with his ice.

He busies himself with that for a moment, placing the package carefully over his sore knee. Ooh he can just tell right now that that’s going to smart for a few days. Looks like he won’t be getting past the planning stages of any schemes in that time.

Perry picks himself up when the food arrives, only a couple of minutes after the ice. It’s quick service, but that’s not too surprising seeing as it’s so quiet in the café right now. Perry downs half of his milkshake immediately, Heinz watch the cherry sat atop the cream sink into the glass at a rapid pace. Only when Perry is satisfied does he stop and eat it.

“Hey-” Heinz gestures to the cherry on his sundae, “do you want mine as well?”

Perry nods and Heinz tosses the cherry at him. Perry catches it in his bill, spitting the stone out barely a second later.

“Haha, nice one, Perry the Platypus!”

Perry preens a little, then sinks back into his chair again, closing his eyes.

The agent looks as tired as Heinz feels, so he eats his sundae for a little bit in silence, letting the agent rest. Eventually though, his curiosity gets the better of him.

“So,” Heinz begins. “About those poisonous ankle barbs–”

Perry immediately cuts him off by growling at him, but otherwise doesn’t move.

“Oh, _come on!_ ” Heinz throws his hands in the air. “I just found out that you have poisonous ankle barbs that I never knew about, after _years_ of knowing you, and you expect me to, to–” he flounders, gesturing wildly with his spoon, “just, what? Just _forget_ it?”

Perry grumbles and covers his closed eyes with his paws.

“I mean, how many times have you kicked me now? Hundreds! In the face, too!”

Perry immediately yanks his paws away from his face to glare at Heinz, and the villain winces.

“Alright, look I’m not trying to insult your control or anything, jeez, just – _still_.”

Perry sighs.

“I mean it’s not that I don’t trust you Perry the Platypus, you’ve never hurt me with them before so I don’t think you’re gonna hurt me with them now, thank goodness–”

Perry rolled his eyes. Of course not; his job was to stop whatever Doofenshmirtz was doing, not _poison_ him. And those things really hurt, too.

“I just can’t believe I never _knew,_ you know? Like I feel like this is something I should’ve found out a lot sooner, even if it wasn’t through you.”

Perry just shrugs, letting Heinz rant whilst he finishes his milkshake.

“I mean what else don’t I know? Do you have like, secret vampire fangs or– or _wings_ , or– no I – I suppose that’s going a little far-fetched, isn’t it?”

Perry stops slurping, giving him a clear look that said, ‘ya think.’

Heinz winces again. “Look, just, is there anything else that I should know you have or like, can do?” he asked. Perry looks offended that Heinz was asking to spill his secrets and the man raises his hands placatingly. “Not everything! That’s like, cheating, I guess – you gotta learn this stuff about your greatest nemesis otherwise it’s just not fun – I just mean the _really_ dangerous stuff, you know? Like the barbs.”

It was a fair point, and Perry shakes his head.

“No?”

Perry mimes crossing his little Platypus heart and Heinz relaxes. “Good! Good, that’s good.” Heinz has another spoonful of his sundae. “Just – wow, just like this sundae, I mean this is really good Perry the platypus, we should come here again sometime.”

Perry raises an eyebrow at that but it goes unnoticed by Heinz, engrossed in his ice cream.

This _is_ a pretty good milkshake though – and though he _had_ sniffed that one rose, he hadn’t really had a chance to actually look around the gardens properly, what with being hunted and all. It was too late to do so now, he’d have to get home to the boys soon before they noticed he was missing, but maybe he would have to come here again.

Perry pays when they’ve both finished. Heinz protests but the platypus just ignores him, handing the money to the waitress. He makes sure to include a decent tip.

It’s nice to actually have a chance to spend his O.W.C.A. wages, which is the main reason why instead of just leaving the gardens, he tugs Doofenshmirtz into the gift shop on their way out.

If the villain is confused by Perry’s sudden impulse he doesn’t say anything, immediately diving into the souvenirs.

Perry is perusing the mugs when Heinz bounds up to him and shoves a brightly coloured bundle of fabric under his bill. “Look what I found, Perry the Platypus!” He exclaims, “Isn’t it great?”

The t-shirt is white and covered in tiny little purple, blue and red flowers and green leaves, and says ‘Danville Botanical Gardens’ on it in big black letters. It’s… interesting. Heinz clearly loves it though, and Perry supposes that’s the main thing.

“It’s a bit big on me, but they didn’t have any more sizes,” Heinz tells him, “but it’s still super cool! What are you getting Perry the Platypus?”

Perry picks out the mug he’s had his eye on and holds it out. It’s plain white and simply has ‘I had fun at the Danville Botanical Gardens’ written on both sides in a nice, dark green. He can keep it down in his lair.

“That’s nice, Perry the Platypus!” Heinz approves, and they go to pay, making sure to use their cards to get the discount. (Perry feels a bit guilty for using Monogram’s discount for a personal purchase but, well, he isn’t going to turn it down.)

Perry still finds it so weird to see Heinz pay for stuff. He’s told him before that just because he was a villain doesn’t mean he’s a thief – or a _complete_ thief, anyway – or doesn’t appreciate customer service but still. Odd.

The sun’s just starting to set when they finally leave the Gardens, and Perry chitters nervously when he checks the time on his watch. He really has to get back home to his boys – plus, Monogram will want his report.

Heinz sees Perry looking at his watch and checks his own, grimacing. Wow, was it that late already? He has scheming to do for tomorrow! And he really wants to look up those poisonous ankle barbs.

“Wow, Perry the Platypus,” he exclaims, “it sure is getting late! I uh– I best be getting back home now and I’m sure you’ve got to go and ah, do whatever it is you do, so…” he scuffs a foot against the pavement awkwardly for a moment, swinging the bag with his new shirt in it.

Perry nods, preparing a grappling hook for a swift exit, but Heinz stops him.

“Hey, Perry the Platypus, uh wait just a second,” he requests, and Perry stops to listen. “Thanks for uh, thanks for not poisoning me or slicing my face or anything with those barbs of yours.”

Perry nods, feeling a bit weird that Doofenshmirtz is thanking him for not seriously injuring him, but still appreciates the thought.

Heinz nods back at him a few times before fidgeting. “Now off with you,” he orders, gently shooing Perry away. “Go do whatever it is you do after you thwart me.”

It doesn’t feel much like a thwart this time but Perry shoots the grappling hook anyway, flying off to the sound of Heinz shouting, “bye Perry the Platypus! See you soon!”

He’d usually wave or something but he can’t this time, since he has to use his usually-free hand to cradle the bag with his mug in close to him so he can protect it. He hopes Doofenshmirtz doesn’t mind.


End file.
